Today, I’d like to START A NEW video series on the topic of “How Much Should I Spend on a Chassan Watch?“
So, I received the following question a few weeks ago that went as follows:
My daughter is getting serious with a young man and things are progressing nicely. During a casual conversation, this bochur mentioned that all his friends received Rolexes as their chassan gifts. I can’t afford a Rolex. What advice would you give me on how to approach this situation?
So, I appreciate this question because it highlights a financial pain point for many families. It also raises a broader issue that all frum families should consider. Before jumping into the heart of the question, let’s take a step back and provide some background for viewers:
First, What is a chassan gift? The concept of a chassan gift, which is a present (often a watch) that a groom receives from his prospective in-laws upon his engagement, may be unfamiliar to many. I personally never heard of the term until my 20s, and even then, it seemed strange. Why exactly am I receiving a high-end watch? It just doesn’t seem to fit for someone young, earning little money, and with modest, if any, assets.
As much as I’d like to dismiss the custom as silly, there is a long-standing Jewish tradition of a young man receiving a gift upon his engagement. The custom is rooted in the idea of honoring and supporting the groom as he enters marriage. It began as a way for the bride’s family to show respect, strengthen the bond between families, and provide the groom with items that would help him fulfill his new spiritual and communal roles. Hundreds of years ago, the Ashkenazic tradition was for the bride’s family to give the groom religious items, such as a shtender or tallis. These gifts symbolized his new responsibilities in Torah study and prayer. In some Sephardic communities, gifts were more focused on jewelry, clothing, or household items.
When my grandparents married in 1955, my great-grandmother gave my zeidy a gigantic set of Shas. My Eastern European great-grandmother, born in 1900, undoubtedly inherited the custom of giving the new chassan a gift from previous generations in the Old Country. In Judaism, we take our minhagim very seriously, preserving our traditions and providing a link to all previous generations.
Next, is the topic of Affordability: The first consideration in gift giving is what the bride’s family can afford. Remember, the tradition is to give a gift, not necessarily a high-end watch. A tallis is a wonderful and practical gift, and it doesn’t cost the same as a Rolex. I want to state explicitly that putting one’s finances in jeopardy to purchase a chassan gift is the wrong approach. It is imprudent, illogical, short-sighted, and sets the wrong tone. However, if you can afford to buy your son-in-law a nice piece of jewelry costing thousands or tens of thousands of dollars, that is your prerogative.
In my next video, I’ll discuss messaging around this gift, broader context, and a direct answer to this question.